Approaching the weekend, there is alot to think about. My husband’s birthday is next Monday, and this weekend if like to make it special. Last my father’s passing over shadowed his birthday, and much more. I was a total wreck.
He has requested an apple pie, and it’s going out isn’t keto lol. I’m going to make my first pie for him, and hope it comes out well. Pumpkin pie is more my thing, but it’ll be interesting to not have a slice with him in celebration.
We’ve been discussing his cooking more to help offset my load at home. We both work and both take care of our daughter. He’s been watching videos and reading to see what he can cook that we can all enjoy. We watched a few videos last night, and after researching the carbs, there was a bit of food he put on the veto list.
NSV
I have a gray sweater dress I bought last holiday season, that I absolutely love. Since it’s been colder, I’ve been itching to wear this dress. After putting it on today, it doesn’t fit at all. The chest is over sized now, and I had to keep adjusting to not expose myself at work. Eventually, a red scarf was worn over the negligee.
I’m happy and sad about this NSV. On the positive side, it means I’m going in the right direction, which is over all healthier. The sad side is that many of my favorite items will be obsolete as I continue to shrink down.
The though crossed my mind that I should get my absolute favorites altered with me so I can continue to wear them. I’m sure they won’t look right as time goes on, or the cost will be more than the item is valued.
I’m going to hold of on buying new clothes for myself as long as possible. This past summer I went a bit overboard with clothes, though I was still trying to slim down then.
How I’m Feeling
In my office today, was hectic for me. Between two clients with ultra high needs, and a caregiver needing assistance for re-evaluation, my day was all tied up. I clocked in over 10,000 steps by the time it was 5 pm. I did go on my daily lunch walk with my colleagues. My friend who at first was having a time adjusting to our previous food habits, has now adopted the habit of walking on lunch for pokemon, and eating at the end of the break period like me.
I’m so thankful for those who continue to support me, and rally behind me. I was paid many compliments on my changing figure, and my overall mental well being. My husband has validated me with my goals, and reassures me time and again he will love me for me at any size.
There is a huge part of me that is conditioned to not lose the weight because of how the excess, flab of skin is going to look. I mentioned in a post before that one goal is to feel confidence and sexy when I wear lingerie. That is weighing in my now, know there will be an apron, and droops all around. It’s already hard enough having to push filled tummy and thighs around when being intimate.
I could cry to be honest. A lot of my identity is wrapped up in being obese, or even just “fat”. There is alot of work that I need to do, and find a strong support network to ensure that I am still who I am on the side, though the outside will eventually look dramatically different in a few months/years time.
Mental health and trauma play such a big role in bad habits. If it weren’t for those life experiences, I would be a different person with a different body and a different mindset. But because those things happened, I’m working with sexual abuse, physical abuse, and physiological abuse traumas. And that is all from ages 0 – 13.
When I was a teenager, I already weighted 175lb at 13 years old, and 200 by 16. I was pushing 250 lb by 18. My identity is wrapped up in these layers and pounds of fat. What happens when you are no longer that big, and don’t have a clue on what else to do with your life. There has always been a focus on the need to change and be healthier, weight less, not have such a large layer of fat.
I remain hopeful with all these heavy thoughts weighing in my. But with 20lbs off from my highest, I can rest assured the thoughts don’t weight as much as the pounds.
Undoing Damage 