Day o75.

I’m returning from an unplanned haitus. With my husband and daughter having Covid 2 weeks back, and having so go into isolation myself, I have been going a bit stir crazy.

I’m still on Keto, though I’m not religiously tracking my food like I’d like. I eat almost the same foods each day. As I’m still in isolation until this coming Wednesday, I have been without exercise for almost 3 weeks. My weight has been hovering between 280 – 275. Mainly from food sitting in my intestines for much longer, and without burning the energy off.

I went through depression when I was completely alone from my loved ones, while they were stuck in a single room together. I tried to keep up with cleaning, buy found myself uninspired. I didn’t even turn the TV on. I found myself slumped at my desk playing video games just to pass the time. It wasn’t even like I enjoyed it, or felt a challenge. I missed holding my child a d kissing my husband.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the yelling coming back with a vengeance. My toddler has been stuck in the house as long as I have, with the exception of an occasional walk with her dad. She is used to being at daycare, and being able to run, jump, and play. I couldn’t provide those activities when she got out of that room because then I had to work on a end of year deadline. She would shut my laptop while in a business meeting, I had to find coverage for workshops I was to host, and she wanted my attention.

Today, I found myself tired. I had been up with her since 6 am, and by 8am I finally turned the TV so I could lay down with my door open so I can watch her in the high chair. Normally, I would be getting ready to hit the trail at that time, but being home for so long has caused my sleep cycle to go to hell, and I also have no energy.

Long story short, I argued with my husband about my laying down, though it is my parental scheduled time (and his me-time). I finally won after 10am, and asked to lay back down. I was able to sleep while my body shook from exhaustion, and woke up when she cried for us to get her at 12p.

As I get up to get her, it’s like waking at 6am all over again. I serve all of us lunch, and my husband tells me he already ate, and my daughter just looks at the plate of honey baked ham and mac n cheese. I start to heat my food up, and go to the bathroom. I come back and she is stuffing the Mac n cheese in her toy tool box. I had to take the toy and immediately clean it out. While I’m doing that, she decides to stuff her hands in the Mac and cheese and start clapping and squishing.

By this time, I had it. My patience ran thin on the little energy I had at all. I started telling at her to eat her food, and stop playing. I started to wipe her face which she just smeared cheese sauce on, and she started to cry. Her crying made my anger worse. I told her to eat her food, or it’s going away.y husband finally got up and did something, and tried to comfort her and see if she would eat. She said she is done, and continued to cry.

This is not my best moment. Infact, this moment is and has been on repeat before and after they had to quarantine. Why did I get so mad at her? Because it’s another mess on top of messes on top of a messy house that only I get to clean? Is it that I clean one thing, and 20 other things get tore up? Is it that I feel my spouse does nothing to help, except “watch” her so I can clean?

None of it is her fault. After hours of cool off time, I deduced it to the following,

When I blow a fuse it is because;

• I am tired
• I am repeating myself
• I am not being heard or acknowledged
• I am not being helped
• I am asking for help and recieved nothing
• I am depressed
• I am pushing for myself, and not so much for others
• I am selfish, and only care about my needs

When I am happy I don’t exhibit these “reason”. Needless to say, I am not happy these days. My stress levels have gone through the roof these past 16 days. I need to do better. I need to be better to my family. I need to take more time outs, and be less vocal about things that don’t stack up to my standards.

Toddlers playing in their food is normal. Husband’s feeding themselves is normal. Mom’s being very tired is normal. Yelling is normal. But my level and frequency is not. My level of yelling doesn’t fit the “crime” so to speak. My husband also grounds me with the statement, “how would you feel if someone did that to you?”

I really to try and practice mindfulness. I really do try and be a good mom / partner. I recognize I am selfish and self-centered. I am also self-serving. Alot of this is trauma and learned behavior in my upbringing. I was never like this with my family, but with friends who I thought were beneath me recieved this exact treatment.

I don’t want to scar my daughter with my yelling at her over unimportant things that ultimately don’t change the timeline. Who cares if she is playing in her food. Yes, that means another bath, laundry, and floor clean up, but is it worth her dealing with trauma that I inflicted on her?

I am constantly findin myself asking if I should’ve become a parent. I thought I had it all figured out. Unfortunately, I am ill equiped to handle my emotions, and help in her development.

Day o59.

Much has happened since I last checked in. My stress levels peeked earlier this week, and I started to become agitated with my daughter’s behavior.

This past Wednesday (2 days ago) I received a call from her daycare saying they had to close due to a teacher testing positive. I didn’t panic, but my stress level shit beyond it’s already record height.

We’ve been home since, and have been awaiting our results from that morning. I came back negative, but my husband and daughter came back positive. I honestly don’t know what to make of this.

I am more prone to getting sick than they are, and I have the worst rap sheet of the three in regards to my health. Since starting keto, I have felt better. But now I worry that so I have tried to extend my life expectancy, that one or both of theirs are in great risk.

So far my daughter seems to be okay, just a little more fatigued, not eating as much, and possibly a little agitated. My husband on the other hand had a bit of a fever last night, with a temporal reading of 100.4°. he has been achy and tired this whole time, with a slight cough. Since I have tested negative, I am now designated as the caregiver for both of them.

They are quarantined in her room, and I have the rest of the house. On top of this I must continue to work from home. Between working from home, taking care of my family, paying the bills, and trying to manage my own health and wellness, I don’t know how strong I am. My mental health has been shaky as of late in regards to work stress. But I think this takes the cake.

I need to take a break from blogging. At least about weight that is. So for the scale hasn’t moved, but this week I am on my period. So I don’t expect much of a change. Plus not having been able to go out and walk due to staying at home and quarantining also doesn’t help towards my progress. My progress at this point doesn’t matter, as nothing is guaranteed.

I will blog in regards to their status, as well as keeping track of my mental health. But the days may get all mixed up, and I will do my best to keep things straight. I may be back logging some blogs from the past few days. they may not even be worth blogging about. But just so I can say I put something in and holding myself accountable.

Day o58.

I feel drained. after the emotional rollercoaster that was yesterday morning, plus having to wait in line for over an hour for a copy test, I’m starting to feel it. My left arm is sore from having to hold my 30 lb toddler so she wouldn’t wander while standing in line.

My husband is constantly checking his temperature, and I am constantly reassuring him that we don’t know until we know. He is asked me to sleep in the living room as he feels like he’s getting warmer and warmer, and is feeling more tired as time goes on. I respect his wishes and am sleeping on the couch tonight.

I’m assuming that I would also be positive if he’s positive as I kiss him every evening before we go to sleep. Also my daughter is in the stage of having kisses on her forehead, so the likelihood that we are all positive is very high. But again we don’t know until we know.

My Fitbit is low on battery, and it’s not like I can go anywhere. unless we know that we’re all negative, we have to stay indoors. And even then because my daughter came in contact with a asymptomatic teacher, we still have to stay indoors for at least nine more days. At this point it’s just a waiting game.

I continue to eat on track, and try and provide food that my family will eat. I’m more concerned about their hydration. I’m a little bit more disciplined on drinking water throughout the day. Or at least all at once. But I noticed that my daughter doesn’t drink all her milk, and my husband has always straight away from regular fluids, and instead choosing soft drinks.

Day o57.

Today’s a piece of garbage if it’s ever been one. On my way to dropping my daughter off to daycare, and going to work, I get a phone call from daycare stating that they are closed. The owner tells me that one of the teachers that was there just yesterday has tested positive for COVID and is asymptomatic.

After having a really bad evening the night before with my temperament, and trying to really smooth things out, I can’t help but feel my stress levels rising above and beyond. I keep my cool, pull over and make a call to my executive. I need her to know that I cannot come into the office, and now need to try and find a test center that will take both of us. thankfully I was only two blocks away from daycare, which meant I was one block away from the nearest test site and it just so happened to be the only day of the week at this location is operating.

After doing a quick registration on my phone my daughter and I wait in line for almost 2 hours to get ourselves a test, and when it is done my daughter is crying and I am walking us back through the lines to get to our car, cheering her on for being such a big girl. I’m confident that we are okay, as we are not currently exhibiting any symptoms or signs. But again Who knows what is in store for us. If the teacher was asymptomatic what does that mean for the rest of us.

Once I had registered, I had called my husband immediately to let him know. He got home as quickly as he could, and I was able to send him to the same area that I went for a test so he could get it all in the same day. we hope to hear back the results this Friday which is 2 days from now or the latest is Monday. At this time we don’t know what to expect, or what is in store for us. But at this time daycare is closed until the students get the results.

What angered me was not only did I use two hours outside of work, but my job is expecting me to cough up an hour and a half of vacation time for it because I had to take my daughter instead of just the whole 2 hours being comped because I also had to take the test. It’s a little unfair to me, but it is what it is. Also I was expected to work as soon as I got home, which how can you work at full function with this kind of scare?

It doesn’t help that this is the end of the year, and we’re trying to get all of the actual years notes and data into the system so we can get further grants for next year. The stress is on, and I already know that I have had things slipped through the cracks, and it’s going to be a hard time tying up loose ends.

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Day o56.

I don’t know what it is, but between work and home, my temper is at an all-time high. I think the stress from work, and a case load of clients who are ungrateful, combined with a toddler who refuses to eat dinner, or even listen to simple directions, have put me over the edge. Tonight I shrieked at my daughter at the highest volume all of a sudden because she wouldn’t stop climbing all over me and getting in my face asking for kisses.

My work day was already stressful enough. And I rage walked on my lunch. I did about 2 mi, which was very fulfilling. But at the same time I continued to get more and more emails that were not only unnecessary, but a waste of time. I have too much on my plate, and I’m needing to implement some rules in regards to my caseload. When I try and decompress after work, it’s hard when you have a toddler who is fussing screaming yelling, and insisting on climbing all over you and invading your personal space.

Would also doesn’t help is that your husband is also sitting right next to you seeing all of this and isn’t doing anything about it. And he finds it cute when she brings a baby Yoda doll and wants me to kiss the baby yoda doll as well. And continues to shove it in my face. I had just about had it and let loose the most realist shrieky scream I could telling her to sit down and eat her food. This is not something that I say lightly.

not only did it cause her to be afraid and cry and curl into my husband, but it caused him to be upset with me for even letting it get to that point. I have gently tried asking for help, as well as trying to distract her to do other things including eating her food. But nonetheless it always falls back on me. I was left crying on the couch, after he took her so I could get some space. Once she finished with her bath, she came back to me and snuggled with me. I held her and apologized. I don’t know what came over me other than knowing that I just couldn’t take any more stimulation, or having things shoved in my face.

What really bothers me about my actions is that I was so happy to pick her up from daycare tonight. And she was in such a fantastic mood. But it’s always when she gets home that things change. Recently she has been refusing to eat food, or eating very little. Yet eats snacks all throughout the day, or has a large breakfast. I try not to push it because I know that she maybe showing off her independence. But it is frustrating when I am practically sending her to bed without dinner though it’s been provided. And these are things that she normally eats.

I’ve been repeating to myself that I need a vacation. A vacation from work, from home, and from parenting. I know that I intentionally planned for a child, but I also need a break. I know I am strong, and I know that I can handle anything. But I don’t like how I get when I am too stressed out in all aspects of my life and then I start to exhibit unnecessary behaviors to those I love.

Day o55.

It’s Monday once again. And after having a rough week last week with work, I am hopeful that I will be able to tackle much on my ever growing to-do list

I have to start implementing new rules on my case load, as I have completely over exceeded what I can handle. I have taken the advice of my colleague and messaged my executive team asking for permission to create a wait list of sorts. They have graciously agreed to this need as they understand that many of us have taken much more than we can handle during this time.

I am motivated more than ever to continue walking. The scale has not quite changed as I am still in the 270s. But not going downward. I’m not complaining, but would like to continue the downward trend.

At this time I just need to focus on distressing, and getting as much as I can done. My home is also incomplete disarray, which does not help my stress because as soon as I come home I have a pile of dishes in the sink and on the counters, trash that needs to be taken out, and a toddler who wants to spend all her time with me. It’s almost unfair because my husband in some ways does not spend as much time, or she does not snuggle up to him the same way she does to me.

I really just want things to finally settle down so that way we can be smooth sailing into the new year and at least enjoy the holiday. But I have a feeling that my case load is not going to get any easier, nor is my data going to process well in the system. There’s always much more to do than what we are told we are supposed to do.

Day o54.

Today has been very productive though it has been spent running around. This morning I jumped up and got breakfast made for my daughter and I. We are on a mission to hit at least 2 mi before we must come home and get ready. Today is our annual family photo day, though it has been postponed by a month.

If it wasn’t for the friendly reminder call that I received yesterday, I probably would have missed it. We had our appointment today at 11:00, giving us enough time to get home and get ready I love the way the photos came out, though my daughter was having such a hard time during the session. She seemed to not like the room, and cried almost the entire time. I was sweating like crazy not only from having walked 2 mi and then came home to get ready, but then having to dance with my daughter under the lights just to calm her down. She refused to let go of me. We made the best of it though.

I cannot wait to get these printed and send them for Christmas cards. They are absolutely wonderful, and I love the way that I look and feel in them. Yes there is parts of me that do not like how my face looks but that has nothing to do with the weight More than it does my actual features. hopefully as the weight continues to leave, my features will shift a little bit and I may feel a little bit better about it.

Day o53.

It is another tiring Saturday. I needed to take at least a two to three hour nap during my me time. I don’t know what it is, the fatigue accrued from over a week of throwing data into the system, and dealing with a difficult client, or the nonstop life of a parent that is working full time during a pandemic.

I did not get out as I would have liked, but I will work on it tomorrow. it’s always a work in progress, and I plan to keep going. I continue to eat on plan, and see ing several ounces drop off over this weekend. Still around 277, and no complaints there.

Day o52.

What’s awesome is having people who help keep you accountable. My colleague at work has consistently asked me about walking every time that I’m in the office. This helps as it keeps me motivated, and keeps me from getting lethargic.

Our other colleague decided to go home and finish her shift after lunch. So today it was just the two of us walking around San Jose State. sometimes less is more, and I greatly appreciate his company.

I offered to meet him at some point because he doesn’t live too far from me to go for a walk on the weekends. He said that he was really lethargic and wouldlike to pursue distance walking sometime with me over the weekends if possible. I offered this weekend if he liked but he didn’t know as he was trying to rest from these hit trainings that he’s doing. We’ll see what happens. I need a good distraction as my stress levels continues to rise as it is the end of the year and everything must be in the system or else.

Day o51.

I’m very proud of the progress that I have made. I have some goals in mind when I am at home and walking on my lunch. I try and aim for at least two and a half miles if possible while playing pokémon Go. At this point it I have been able to consistently hit 2 mi by the time it’s the end of my lunch hour.

I really want to see myself in the 260s soon enough. That’ll be where I left off the last time when I used to be a gym rat over 4 years ago. I am still deciding on which trail I should take on the weekends, since I finished the south end of Coyote Creek. I think going up Coyote Creek from my original starting point would be the next logical move, but I do miss Almaden Lake.

At this point exercise and tracking my food is a distraction from my everyday life and all of the hiccups that come with it.