Day o40.

I woke up today feeling shakey and drained. After writing yesterday’s post, I wanted to lay down and sleep during the remainder of my me-time. Unfortunately my daughter’s screaming and crying at my husband kept me awake the whole 3 hour period.

She doesn’t wake well after naps. She’s usually cranky, demanding, and clingy. Because she had to have two naps, I think this may have caused an issue with disorientation. Needless to say, I did not get the nap I needed. I has trembling even then.

I looked back on my myfitnesspal log and noticed I got half of my daily potassium. I have a feeling this is the culprit. I went out of my way today at target to get hydration sticks for when I am running low on my electrolytes. What is crazy is how many are on the market that are loaded with carbs.

In addition, I took an extra dose of potassium supplements, and drank extra water. I tried to get an extra hour of rest during my mom time, but I got “in-trouble” for not being with her. I mentioned to my husband that I was not feeling well, and needed that extra rest as I didn’t get it yesterday.

After waking up, eating, and eventually pumping my body full of electrolytes, I finally went out for a walk. I didn’t get back to Metcalf & Monterey until close to 3 pm. But, we did it. We walked from almost where I left off, and went a bit up. Unfortunately, the trail was closed off due to flooding.

How I’m feeling.

Though I basically self sabotaged, I think I got myself back on tract with my body not wanting to curl up and hibernate. Being low on potassium seems to be a constant thing for me. I need to eat more spinach, if that’s the case. Avocados and I don’t see eye to eye.

I noticed that this past week, my activity level has shot through the roof. I’m pleased to see how my long distance walking doesn’t effect my body with severe aches and pains. Don’t get me wrong. I woke up very stiff this morning, but after a bit of stretching and bending, I was good as new.

Lastly, this past Friday, I hit my all time highest step record in the 4+ years of being a fitbit owner. This is huge for me as I used to be a total gym rat, and never hit this high.

Day o39.

Today started off rough. Last night, I went to bed feeling really light headed, and kind of shaky. I think my blood pressure is low, because after an intimate evening, I was practically sleeping where I’d lay. I fell asleep for at least a half hour before I got up and took my vitamins.

When I woke, I didn’t have a headache like yesterday, but I was still exhausted. I went to get my whining toddler, and tried to snuggle. As mentioned before, when I am tired, or not feeling well, my temperament is easily swayed from indifferent to angry. At one point this morning, my daughter not listening to simple instructions, or answering with her selection put me into an angry fit.

I become so self-conscious of my grabbing her hand angrily when she refuses to hold it when walking in our apartment parking lot that I pull along quickly to the car. I feel like I resort to this kind of behavior more often than not. Especially in the evenings when she refuses to eat dinner I spent a long time making for everyone, or screaming without catching a breath because she is doing something she isn’t supposed to and we take something away, or her climbing all over me when I need a break when her dad wants to snuggle with her.

I decided to listen to an audio book on anger management for parents. I listened to the first hour of the book by the time we arrived at the park on our walk along Coyote Creek Trail. My walking off the anger, and having a coffee helped me relax enough to be easy going, and allow 30 minutes at Metcalf Park. She threw several fits when she couldn’t get on the big swings because they were too high, or having trouble climbing on the structures. With patience and leading my example, I showed her how to climb this new playground, and even the bars.

She was upset, like expected, when time was up, and we had to continue on our walk. I came prepared with snacks, food, and water for her. She took a short nap around 40 minutes later. I was able to hit 6 miles total on todays walk! This was such a victory for me as it beats my personal record.

Now I am home, relaxing, and getting my much needed “me time”. I’m going to research about low-blood pressure on Keto. I think I need to increase my calories for the amount of walking I’ve been doing. I read before you do not want to eat back the calories that you burned off.

Day o38.

Friday is here, and I am here for it. I have been waking with either major grogginess, or a headache. I don’t think it’s my nutrients as it might be that I’ve been way under my 1600 calorie goal. I’ve been averaging 1300 – 1400 calories this whole week. I don’t know if I should eat more if I am not exactly hungry.

This whole time I’ve been off, I’m dedicating at least 1 – 2 hours each day to just pure walking, while aiming for 5 miles each time. Sometimes I hit it in one go, and sometimes I hit it at the end of the day. As we are doing family walks, I now have my husband with me, which adds another element.

Today we went to Shady Oaks Park, and let our daughter play for a half hour while I drank my nitro cold brew to get more energy. We got a late start, so we didn’t finish our entire expedition until close to 2 pm. I like to get out and back home by 12:30 pm.

We walked south bound along Coyote Creek Trail to about Silicon Valley Drive, when we turned back. I mentioned that I want to continue the walk tomorrow to explore the trail further. I made a mental note of the street, and will map out the closest place to park to pick up where we left off.

I have enough FitBit friends, that we have a full house of our challenges. I reviewed the results, and I came in second place for the work week challenge. I told my walking companion at the office that I usually kick butt on the weekends as I have more time to dedicate to my step goals. Can’t wait to see what the results are at the end of Sunday evening. I now have some major competition.

How I’m Feeling.

When I can knock out 5 miles in one go, I feel like I kicked a$$. This is like being on top of the world. And knowing I’m exploring the area, which I haven’t done on this level in the 6 years of living in San Jose, CA also helps build up my tranquility. Looking forward to furthing the trail tomorrow.

Also, my body feels much softer, and tighter. My skin is starting to loosen a bit, but in a reasonable kind of way. I can now feel my hip points pushing through the fat layer around my pant waist band. The fat layer around my ribs is much less than when I started, and I can feel the “jiggle” of major fat leaving the area.

Day o37.

During the weekends, me and my husband usually divide the day with our daughter to ensure we get our “me” time. Since we are off for holiday during the week, and it’s going to be a long four days, we decided to do family time on the week days, and then resume the weekend schedule. I’ve persuaded him to come with my daughter and I for a walk.

We tried Almaden Lake, but it was closed due to the holiday. We instead walked the river walk as far as we could, which wasn’t further than my previous walk alone with my daughter. The river walk is still being developed in some areas. We did loop back and cross the the other side of Almaden Expressway and found a toddler park for playtime. I didn’t make my 5 mile goal, but I hit 3 miles which is more than nothing.

We returned home, and began preparing for our dinner. We didn’t do a “traditional” Thanksgiving set up. I have at least 29% Native American genetics that I recently discovered, and am still trying to figure out how to acknowledge without bandwagoning. My take on this “Holiday”, is to educate my daughter on the injustice the Indigenous People of the Americas have endured since “The New World” was “discovered.”

Our dinner was predominantly keto. I roasted a duck for the first time, and it came out well enough. I made a cheesy cauliflower rice, and real stuffing for husband and daughter. He decided to make a full keto cheesecake for me to enjoy. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to enjoy it like we wanted tonight, but will cut into it when it’s set tomorrow.

How I’m Feeling

I’m enjoying the feeling of getting out and walking several miles. My body has adjusted to this, and is doing well with the long distance. I am not speed walking, or running at this time. I think walking at a comfortable pace for long distance is more impactful than forcing and driving straight into fatigue.

I have 3 more days before returning back to work. We’re planning on going to Shady Oaks Park, and walking along the Coyote Creek Trail.

Day 036.

Weekly weigh in day! I’m now at 284.8 lbs! This is great as this week, the scale was refusing to budge for the longest time. I spent a great amount of time walking after dropping my daughter at daycare. Unfortunately, I did not enjoy my walk, and have made the decision to not redo it.

I walked from Rotary Park in San Jose, to Mineta Air Port, along Guadalupe River Walk. This was not something I looked at in advance, which I should have. My discomfort was from walking through a low visible trail that was populated with large homeless encampments. The grass was taller than me, and it was not close to streets or have any high foot traffic. Being in todays society, I have it engrained in me to fear for the worst as a woman walking by herself. I also felt like I was encroaching on the area around the encampments. Not to mention, the Pokémon in that area weren’t enough for me to go out of my way.

Day 035.

Another stressful day, but I did take the time this morning to go for a walk. I earned some flex time, and I need to take it before the pay period is up. I am off for the remainder of the week, and I am thankful to be on a long break. My walk was rushed as I forgot my ear buds at the office, and had to grab them or I would be without music for the whole weekend.

Got the walk down, drank some coffee, and went to work. My the end of my work day, I was exhausted from high stress from one particular client who really takes the need to the top level. I felt accomplished on some long standing tasks, and have a better plan on approaching those tasks. I’m looking forward to getting back next week and implementing the new skills and insights.

How I’m Feeling.

When I am working, from home or at the office, my walks help me turn my brain off. Unfortunately, today was not the day to talk a walk on my lunch. Thankfully my earlier walk helped jump the morning with inspiration. I would like to implement this as a routine in the coming months in order to feel ready to take on the day.

With all that happened with this high stress client, I forgot to eat. I cleaned, and made my lunch on my break, but got consumed with my client and forgot to eat my food. I wasn’t starving, but I was in need of sustenance at the end of the workday. I need to remember to but myself first, even if it is on work hours. I shouldn’t let myself get so consumed with this kind of work as if forms bad habits, and then my stress levels spike causing a chain reaction.

Day o34.

I am married to my bestfriend. He is more than I could have every asked for, and I’m thankful to have him in my life. Today is his birthday, and it sucks because it falls on a Monday. In order for him to have Thursday and Friday off, he has to work 10 hours Mon – Wednesday. He doesn’t like the feeling that he is becoming an “old man”, though he still looks like he is in his second half of his twenties, or my age.

We met when I was 22, and he just turned 28. Infact, on 11/29 we will have known each other for 8 years. In those 8 years we have grown, moved in, got engaged, married, moved into our first apartment, had a baby, moved into a 2nd apartment, and now working towards the long term home. Through each of those events, we have argued, loved, disagreed, apologized, cried, hugged, and went through our own personal battles.

Though this blog is about me, I think it is important to know who I am sharing a large part of my life with. He is the most supportive person without ill-intent underneath in my life. He wants what I want, and is willing to support me, even if that means he has to sacrifice something in the making.

When I announced over a month ago that I’m going all in on Keto, he seemed a bit apprehensive to how this is going to go for him. He is rather slender, and has a high metabolism, causing a difficult time to put weight on. I promised I will not only make keto foods for the house. It has proven difficult for me to make carbs for them, even if it’s just pasta because I’m trying to not taste everything. I need to get better at this.

He is not all in on my keto treats, or is sad it’s missing certain flavors or textures in the foods because I cut them due to high net carbs. He misses real breadcrumbs lol. But that doesn’t mean he wont get them. I try to make a portion with the real stuff, and not just my keto stuff. Our daughter is indifferent to it all.

How I’m Feeling.

At work, I am stressed due to high need clients calling like rapid fire, and causing fires for me and my team to put out. I am off for more than half this week, so the stress levels has escalated for the 2 day work week.

I’m planning to eat on track, and continue to the #rockthewalk. I feel great with my activity during the work week. Since I have more off time, I want to walk at least 5 miles as exercise each day, and explore the local trails and parks.

On myfitnesspal, I found some friends to chat with or encourage on another. They too have FitBit, and we are going to start doing weekly and weekend challenges. My colleague who we used to eat as a past time, has also asked about going for walks with me on the weekends to go pokemon hunting, and to get my daughter used to her. This is endearing as I feel my changes and efforts are rubbing off on those around me.

I mentioned passively to my executive director that some of us go walking on lunch every time were in the office. She is interested in joining us if she isn’t having to work through her lunch. I’m hoping the small changes like this impact more of those around me. I don’t know what it is, but there is something about when I share what I’m doing or want to do, others tend to join me. This includes the weekly trivia nights I host for co-workers for fun.

I’ll take what I can get. This week is going to be filled with thankful moments.

Day o33.

Today was the day to #rockthewalk. I prepared the stroller with snacks, drinks, and got ourselves layered up for different bouts of weather.

In San Jose, there is a the Guadalupe River Walk (which I’m now reading isn’t complete yet). We started at Almaden Lake, and got about 2.5 miles out before looping back and around the lake.

It felt great to get out, and get these steps in. I do need to repair our jogger stroller, as rocky terrain doesn’t do well with out current stroller.

How I’m Feeling

I’m noticing differences in my appearance and energy. I feel much better about how I look, and am even surprised when I see the change over night sometimes. My stomach appears to be shrinking and deflating. I finally have the stomach I had before pregnancy (which was still over weight).

On the weekends is when I plan to #rockthewalk. That means hitting up a a walk or trail for a total of 4 – 5 miles, and get those steps in before noon. If I’m feeling ultra energized, possibly go for a mile run, or an additional walk solo.

I’m looking at my wardrobe and already knowing that I won’t be able to wear much of it longer. This coming week, I’m going to purge summer clothes that I am not wanting to keep, and start to minimize the amount of laundry in this house.

Day o32.

Approaching the weekend, there is alot to think about. My husband’s birthday is next Monday, and this weekend if like to make it special. Last my father’s passing over shadowed his birthday, and much more. I was a total wreck.

He has requested an apple pie, and it’s going out isn’t keto lol. I’m going to make my first pie for him, and hope it comes out well. Pumpkin pie is more my thing, but it’ll be interesting to not have a slice with him in celebration.

We’ve been discussing his cooking more to help offset my load at home. We both work and both take care of our daughter. He’s been watching videos and reading to see what he can cook that we can all enjoy. We watched a few videos last night, and after researching the carbs, there was a bit of food he put on the veto list.

NSV

I have a gray sweater dress I bought last holiday season, that I absolutely love. Since it’s been colder, I’ve been itching to wear this dress. After putting it on today, it doesn’t fit at all. The chest is over sized now, and I had to keep adjusting to not expose myself at work. Eventually, a red scarf was worn over the negligee.

I’m happy and sad about this NSV. On the positive side, it means I’m going in the right direction, which is over all healthier. The sad side is that many of my favorite items will be obsolete as I continue to shrink down.

The though crossed my mind that I should get my absolute favorites altered with me so I can continue to wear them. I’m sure they won’t look right as time goes on, or the cost will be more than the item is valued.

I’m going to hold of on buying new clothes for myself as long as possible. This past summer I went a bit overboard with clothes, though I was still trying to slim down then.

How I’m Feeling

In my office today, was hectic for me. Between two clients with ultra high needs, and a caregiver needing assistance for re-evaluation, my day was all tied up. I clocked in over 10,000 steps by the time it was 5 pm. I did go on my daily lunch walk with my colleagues. My friend who at first was having a time adjusting to our previous food habits, has now adopted the habit of walking on lunch for pokemon, and eating at the end of the break period like me.

I’m so thankful for those who continue to support me, and rally behind me. I was paid many compliments on my changing figure, and my overall mental well being. My husband has validated me with my goals, and reassures me time and again he will love me for me at any size.

There is a huge part of me that is conditioned to not lose the weight because of how the excess, flab of skin is going to look. I mentioned in a post before that one goal is to feel confidence and sexy when I wear lingerie. That is weighing in my now, know there will be an apron, and droops all around. It’s already hard enough having to push filled tummy and thighs around when being intimate.

I could cry to be honest. A lot of my identity is wrapped up in being obese, or even just “fat”. There is alot of work that I need to do, and find a strong support network to ensure that I am still who I am on the side, though the outside will eventually look dramatically different in a few months/years time.

Mental health and trauma play such a big role in bad habits. If it weren’t for those life experiences, I would be a different person with a different body and a different mindset. But because those things happened, I’m working with sexual abuse, physical abuse, and physiological abuse traumas. And that is all from ages 0 – 13.

When I was a teenager, I already weighted 175lb at 13 years old, and 200 by 16. I was pushing 250 lb by 18. My identity is wrapped up in these layers and pounds of fat. What happens when you are no longer that big, and don’t have a clue on what else to do with your life. There has always been a focus on the need to change and be healthier, weight less, not have such a large layer of fat.

I remain hopeful with all these heavy thoughts weighing in my. But with 20lbs off from my highest, I can rest assured the thoughts don’t weight as much as the pounds.

Day o31.

287.1! And the scale is moving again. Currently still eating clean on keto, and not missing out on anything. My body feels like it’s thanking me for it too by not having stomach issues after all the heavy cheeses and creams.

Today was a low movement day as I was hosting a large event on Zoom for work, plus back to back calls. I really needed to eat my lunch and relax, as my head was really hurting. I still feel like it is because it’s not getting enough potassium. I am working on using more “No salt”, but in large amounts it’s gag worthy.

It may not be recognizable, but between these two photos, there is more joy in my eyes. I haven’t been wearing make up, so these comparison photos fit for context.

How I’m Feeling

Tomorrow is another day for me to get back out there, and step it out. I just purchased Suzanne Ryan’s “Beyond Simply Keto” for more inspiration, and to try new things.